The Top Five Worst Worship HYMNS

First off, I’m just having fun with this post. I love hymns, well, most of them. I’ve never met anyone who sang hymns that liked ALL of them. So please don’t kill me, but there are some hymns that are better than others, and I thought I’d poke fun at a few of ‘em. My wife (who has played piano at church many times over the years) helped me pick out a couple of these.

One more disclaimer: I’m not TOTALLY qualified to write this because, despite the enormous quantity of hymns that I’ve sung/played in church, there’s always a few I haven’t. Many denominations have their own hymnal, some more uh…. “High Church” (see A Mighty Fortress) than others. So if you have a few that you hate, feel free to comment so.

I’m looking at this as a public service to worship leaders and hymnal companies everywhere! Plus… as a former worship leader and current senior minister, I KNOW what you Christians are saying behind the Hymnal Company’s back!

Number FIVE! “All Creatures of Our God and King”
No one even knows this song except for the chorus which is sung like a dirge most of the time at a particular point in the service. Why do I hate it? Because not once have I ever been in a service where anyone meant anything they were singing. “Praise God from whom all blessings flow…. Praise Him all creatures here below…..” Despite some nice little chords in there, it’s like some chant you have to do before the service will continue. Alright everyone, let’s stand and say our pledge of allegiance type of thing. Besides that, I always feel like the only one in the room who doesn’t know it exactly by heart. And that’s just embarrassing.

Number FOUR! “In My Heart There Rings A Melody”
What in the name of the Bill Gaither is this song talking about? “I have a song that Jesus gave me, It was sent from heaven above…” then the chorus goes with “In my heart there rings a melody, there rings a melody, with heaven’s harmony… In my heart there rings a melody, there rings a melody of love….”

This is the best Jesus could come up with? Oh c’mon. If this song REALLY came from Jesus it would be MUCH better, and deeper and more meaningful than THIS! I’m willing to bet right now this song was not sent from heaven above, won’t be the endless theme in glory (please God) and the angels are too cool to sing this with me. At least put a better tune to it than the bouncy lullaby that goes with it. Ugh.

I’ll give it this much credit however, once it gets in your brain, it never, ever leaves.

Number THREE! “Jesus, Lover of My Soul”
Quite possibly the most boring music ever put to any song in the history of the planet. Plus, this song has a problem that many things in Church have… It’s tough for a guy to stomach. Now I realize Church is all about a “relationship” with Jesus, and finding “intimacy” with God, and “drawing close” to Him, and running “into his arms” and yes, yes I realize no one will ever let me decorate a church building with manly things like deer heads and camouflage. I can live with the lace and pastels, BUT… do I have to sing songs about Jesus being my “Lover?” The first line doesn’t help: “Jesus, Lover of my soul, let me to Thy bosom fly….”

Ok, now I know why guys don’t sing so much in church.

Number TWO! “Tis Midnight; and on Olive’s Brow”
Has anyone told Popeye what was happening in some garden a long time ago? Who in the world is Olive and what was she doing out at midnight?? Ok, the song seems to be giving Jesus the name of “Olive” but did anyone ask him? I wouldn’t exactly appreciate being called Susan for no reason. (EDIT: Hey I was wrong on this as a commenter pointed out below. It’s the mountain where Jesus was praying at midnight that “Olive’s brow” refers to) And what is “ether-plains?” Whatever they are, some song was borne from them that only angels know and while we mere mortals can’t hear it, evidently the Savior was soothed by the strains.

What???

By the way, if they’d played a song with this particular melody on the Titanic, no one would have even bothered looking for lifeboats, they would have just thrown themselves overboard.

And the Number ONE hymn in the Top Five Worst Worship Hymns is….

*drum roll*

“There Is A Fountain”
Yep. Never, has any song been written in a more successful effort to drive off newcomers and any curious atheist. They should have used this as the background music for horror movies long ago. Straight out of the inquisitions and dark ages, I give you this line…“There is a fountain filled with blood, drawn from Immanuel’s veins, and sinners plunged beneath that flood….”

Stop already! Flood of blood? Fountains of blood? Where’s Dracula? He’s probably singing.

Put the blood on the cross in all its gory detail and I’m fine with it. But where in the Bible is there a fountain of the stuff? Of course, the song can’t make up its mind. Verse four says it’s a stream. “E’er since by faith I saw the stream Thy flowing wounds supply…”

And the final verse simply makes no sense which is a no, no in song writing:

“Then in a nobler, sweeter song, I’ll sing Thy power to save”
(listen to when and how)
“When this poor lisping, stammering tongue lies silent in the grave.”

You’re gonna sing when your poor, lisping, stammering tongue lies silent???
Good luck with that.

Honorable Mentions

-Christmas Songs-
“We Three Kings of Orient Are”
A song that contributes to Biblical illiteracy everywhere. No where does the Bible say there were three Kings or Wise Men. There were three gifts, but for all we know there could have been several hundred or more of the wise-men.

“The First Noel”
What’s a Noel?

“Away in a Manger”
It’s a song about how cute Jesus was as a baby. Not exactly making grand spiritual points here.

“Angels We Have Heard on High”
This is for all you choir directors out there. It’s “in excelsius deo.” Every time you guys have the choir say “egg-shells” I hear them belt out EGG SHELLS. I know a few of you might start plotting my death for this, but I always wonder if half the audience just turned to their spouse and said “Did they say egg shells?”

-Hard to Sing Hymns-

“He Lives”
My goodness. Not only do I need to be able to sing like an 80’s hair-band lead singer, but I’ve got to hold that crazy high note? No wonder churches with lots of stained glass are afraid to sing this one.

“Redeemed”
If you’re a tenor, you only have to sing two notes the entire song. It’s the same monotone thing kids do to annoy someone else. Enjoy.

-Final Shots-
How many songs with the word “Sunshine” can we cram into one hymnal? And what about those hymns with words we haven’t used since… ever? Don’t you just love songs like “Art Thou Weary and Languid”? And what is “Beulah Land?” Sounds like property owned by a woman in Arkansas.

No seriously, I know what Beulah Land is.

Fortunately, even though we sometimes sing goofy songs, the Savior we are singing about and the Faith we are celebrating, is still the most timeless, meaningful and best thing in the universe. I’ll sing these crazy songs listed above all day long just to be in His will.

So don’t take my critiques too seriously, please. This is all meant in fun.

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